Just saw that Paul and Layla were hanging out today. Probably a celebration dinner. Probably not.
Idk, idc.
I just can't stand being booted out of this friendship. I'm literally the friend who brought everyone together in the first place, and maybe that's childish but I don't care because it hurts. It's karma though tbh. Reap what you sow. I've left many friends in the dust and I've sort of disappeared, especially from Layla. Layla and I were SO close. I mean, Paul and I were very close as well. But that's the point, we were all so close as a group and still we had such strong individual relationships. But now it's just them two and they're both basically besties and baes and I don't know. Layla doesn't even talk to me anymore. I get it, I guess. Reap what I sow.
And I know I don't get all of it. I don't understand everything. But I really miss a time when all of my friendships were easier and when they gave me so much joy.
I also got invited to Shane's bachelor party. And also his wedding.
This is after missing Gene's wedding (which I still sorta feel like shit for). Will I be horrible if I go to Shane's wedding and not Gene's?
I can't stand being in places where I have no control (no car, no freedom of relaxing when I have to put on a persona outside of my home) and I'm so terrified to even entertain it. And there's so much at home I also don't want to go and leave anything important to do behind. But I am also just terrified of spending so much time away from my control and comforts of my home (my bed, my weed, my computer, and again no car for now until it's fixed).
I don't know what to do, but I'm feeling backed up against a wall and I really need the help and the strength of something beyond me.
-s